Can I go back to being crazy?

So many thoughts run through my head that it's so hard to even write this blog. One second I am typing about how long Nate and I were together and almost in mid sentence, my mind changes to a memory I want to share. I type a sentence and then erase it, type something else and then erase it again. I guess that's why I like writing on the computer, much easier to erase it and start again. I sit for a couple minutes at a time as random thoughts pass. I want to share with everyone, yet I want to keep it all to myself. I start to think that I shouldn't share that because of this and I should share this but I can't because it might do that.

One of Nate's co-workers from Convergys and most recently Juniper, posted on Facebook, "Is it bad that I still can't bring myself to delete my friend's name from my IM lists even though he's gone?" I just responded, "I can't delete him from anything." (There I go again, typing and erasing and retyping.) I just can't do it. I still have my brother, Brian, in my phone, and the last text messages I sent him saved to my phone. I guess there are a lot of reasons as to why we can't erase things like that...

I keep hoping that this is all just a really long, bad dream. I know it's not, but I just can't picture my life in 5 years... Before this past year, I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew how I was going to get there. Then 2010 came and took everything I thought I knew away from me. I feel like I have been stripped down to nothing and am being forced to stand in the rain.

I am reminded a lot, by various things, that I need to write a will. So that there aren't any major issues when I die. This is very hard for me to think about. Who would I want to raise my kids? Nate and I always told Brian that we wanted him to do it. Now, I just don't know. What if I choose the wrong person? What if someone only wanted them because there would be money involved? My kids deserve better than that. (Well all kids do, but I am partial to my own... lol) Could anyone love and support my children the way that I do? Do step-parents ever love their step-children as much as their own? Do step-children ever love step-parents like they love their own? I just don't want to think about it, yet I do everyday. I guess I will just have to live forever.

Maybe I need sleeping pills, I am usually only this anxious and depressed late at night, or when I am tired (which yes, I get that I should be tired late at night). Also, it might help if I took my anti-depressants and thyroid meds regularly. That however, is just a minor detail... right? LOL I just can't seem to stop thinking and then I have to get up and type on here, and like I said before takes forever because I can't spit the damn words out of my mouth, let alone type them before new thoughts have entered. If this is normal, can I go back to being crazy?

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

There is so much on my mind, yet nothing to talk about... Or maybe nothing I want to talk about. I know I should talk about it, everyone says it will help... Guess I just don't know where to begin, or who really wants to hear it. Most of the time I just want to curl up into a ball in my bed and cry and sleep, then cry some more. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how I am feeling, I have kids that demand my attention. I guess that's why I am awake at 3 o'clock in the morning typing my sob story on this blog.
I never thought that death would bring out the worst in people. I never thought that my "friends" would be so cruel. Most of the time I wish I was alone and I never had to face another person in this world. I want to move so far away that I am forgotten. So that I can feel however I want and not have to explain why or worry that it's going to ruin someone's day. Where people won't know my story or "think" they know my story and feel obligated to put in their two cents. And to think, this is only the beginning. I can only imagine what people are going to say in the future. Just a little FYI, it's none of your business, no, I don't have money to borrow you, yes, the girls are getting everything they need/want, and yes, I am going to make the best of it. If you are mad, jealous, concerned, or whatever, I don't give a SHIT! As for everyone who actually cares about me, thank you, I appreciate your love and support.
Now, "Put that in your pipe and smoke it!"