Can I go back to being crazy?

So many thoughts run through my head that it's so hard to even write this blog. One second I am typing about how long Nate and I were together and almost in mid sentence, my mind changes to a memory I want to share. I type a sentence and then erase it, type something else and then erase it again. I guess that's why I like writing on the computer, much easier to erase it and start again. I sit for a couple minutes at a time as random thoughts pass. I want to share with everyone, yet I want to keep it all to myself. I start to think that I shouldn't share that because of this and I should share this but I can't because it might do that.

One of Nate's co-workers from Convergys and most recently Juniper, posted on Facebook, "Is it bad that I still can't bring myself to delete my friend's name from my IM lists even though he's gone?" I just responded, "I can't delete him from anything." (There I go again, typing and erasing and retyping.) I just can't do it. I still have my brother, Brian, in my phone, and the last text messages I sent him saved to my phone. I guess there are a lot of reasons as to why we can't erase things like that...

I keep hoping that this is all just a really long, bad dream. I know it's not, but I just can't picture my life in 5 years... Before this past year, I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew how I was going to get there. Then 2010 came and took everything I thought I knew away from me. I feel like I have been stripped down to nothing and am being forced to stand in the rain.

I am reminded a lot, by various things, that I need to write a will. So that there aren't any major issues when I die. This is very hard for me to think about. Who would I want to raise my kids? Nate and I always told Brian that we wanted him to do it. Now, I just don't know. What if I choose the wrong person? What if someone only wanted them because there would be money involved? My kids deserve better than that. (Well all kids do, but I am partial to my own... lol) Could anyone love and support my children the way that I do? Do step-parents ever love their step-children as much as their own? Do step-children ever love step-parents like they love their own? I just don't want to think about it, yet I do everyday. I guess I will just have to live forever.

Maybe I need sleeping pills, I am usually only this anxious and depressed late at night, or when I am tired (which yes, I get that I should be tired late at night). Also, it might help if I took my anti-depressants and thyroid meds regularly. That however, is just a minor detail... right? LOL I just can't seem to stop thinking and then I have to get up and type on here, and like I said before takes forever because I can't spit the damn words out of my mouth, let alone type them before new thoughts have entered. If this is normal, can I go back to being crazy?

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

There is so much on my mind, yet nothing to talk about... Or maybe nothing I want to talk about. I know I should talk about it, everyone says it will help... Guess I just don't know where to begin, or who really wants to hear it. Most of the time I just want to curl up into a ball in my bed and cry and sleep, then cry some more. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how I am feeling, I have kids that demand my attention. I guess that's why I am awake at 3 o'clock in the morning typing my sob story on this blog.
I never thought that death would bring out the worst in people. I never thought that my "friends" would be so cruel. Most of the time I wish I was alone and I never had to face another person in this world. I want to move so far away that I am forgotten. So that I can feel however I want and not have to explain why or worry that it's going to ruin someone's day. Where people won't know my story or "think" they know my story and feel obligated to put in their two cents. And to think, this is only the beginning. I can only imagine what people are going to say in the future. Just a little FYI, it's none of your business, no, I don't have money to borrow you, yes, the girls are getting everything they need/want, and yes, I am going to make the best of it. If you are mad, jealous, concerned, or whatever, I don't give a SHIT! As for everyone who actually cares about me, thank you, I appreciate your love and support.
Now, "Put that in your pipe and smoke it!"

If only I could, if only I dared, if only I knew what would happen...

I would take you all with me, all that wanted to come. I would make it all better. I would tell you I loved you and tell you I need you. I would try harder to make you happy. I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to be sad. I don't want to cry or explain to anyone why. I don't want to dry their tears while holding back my own. I just want to see you, hold you, hear you say my name. I want to see you smile like you did before the pain, when I knew we were forever and that nothing was going to change. I want to hear you sing and hold our baby girls. I can't believe you're gone. Life will never be the same and I don't know how to accept it. I am sick of being judged and blamed for things I didn't do. I know I couldn't change you, I just wish they knew that too. I know you were hurting and I know that you were sick... I know that you are happy, although it's hard to understand how you can be happy without us.... I know you're not in pain and that makes me feel some relief... I feel like my answers are sometimes full of lies. I knew I had to be here away from where you were. I knew I was going to lose you. I prepared myself for weeks. I knew if I'd have found you I would be there with you now. I hope you understand! I live everyday with the thought that maybe I could've changed things, maybe I did it wrong, maybe I wasn't good enough.... I hope that one day I can truly say I'm happy and that I won't be afraid to be alone for fear that I might not make it to tomorrow. At times I am so angry and that makes me feel even worse. I miss our talks about killer sloths, cleaning as we listened to music, how you could always fix the computer, and could always get the latest movies (you knew how much I hated going to the theater.) I miss how comfortable I was around you and how I knew all your moods. I am lost without you, feel like I am trying to start a new life, build structure for the girls, but the pieces are only fitting with cracks inbetween them and edges broken off. We never will forget you. I hope one day I will see you again and we will never be apart. Forever and Ever and Always!

My Bestest Friend

When I was younger, junior high age, I was always worried that my brother Brian was going to die in some stupid gang related bull shit... I would cry myself to sleep, worrying about him. One of his friends shot his girlfriend in the head, killing her, and then immediately came to my parents house. Brian wasn't home yet, but I was outside smoking. No idea he had just shot his girlfriend... He asked me for a smoke and then asked to use the phone. Lorie and I were the only ones home. He paced back and forth the living room. I knew he had to be on drugs or something... Later that night when I found out, I was sick, scared, and even more worried about losing Brian. However, when Brian became a father, everything in his life changed. He became one of the most unselfish people I have ever known. I no longer feared that he would die in some tragic accident.

We became amazingly close. He would call me when he needed to know how long to cook chicken, or what cumin was, or what I thought the best TV (or whatever it was) was to buy. Most of those calls I handed over to Nate... We spent so many nights at my house in Kaysville, just hanging out, Riley, Jaxson, and Steven running around. The parties we would have, sitting out on our deck all hours of the night, him yelling profanities that I'm sure my neighbors enjoyed... (HAHAHA) At times, we were together every single day. I told him and Lorie they were going to have to start paying to eat at my house because they were there almost every night. I will never forget the stupid shit we would do, or at least attempt, like go to Best Buy on Black Friday. We saw the line that wrapped around the building and said "Fuck it, let's go home" Or the time I thought somebody was making bird sounds outside so I yelled "Kaa, Kaa" and he was like "What the hell was that" and I said "Don't you hear those kids? They're fuckin' with us" He laughed so damn hard... "Good times, Good times"

I would talk to Brian about things I don't know that he shared with other people. At least I like to think that. Makes me feel special in a way. Nate used to tease me and say it was like I was talking to my boyfriend... We'd joke and giggle and stay on the phone almost making up things to talk to each other about. He was such a rock, but he had a very deep sensitive side. I would tell him that if something ever happened to Nate and I, that he would be the one that would have to raise my kids... He could be tough on his boys, but they both knew they were LOVED!

Brian was my rock, my protector. I never worried about anyone messing with me. I knew he'd always be on my side. Be there to talk to me when I was mad, scared, happy, whatever. He once came to my Jr. High with some of his friends because this kid had spit in my face... Needless to say, the kid didn't dare to come out of the school. It was so funny. Or the time he chased some guy out of my parents house and down the street when he found out that he had hurt me. He would have killed him if he would've caught him.

The hurt I feel is unbearable at times... The actual physical pain I have is untouchable. He had so many friends, so many GOOD friends. People thought he was the most amazing father they had ever known. And it's true, he was simply amazing. He never held a grudge, he had a way to let it roll off of him. He accepted people for who they were.

Life will never be the same... Who's going to karaoke with me? Stay up sitting around the campfire at the family reunion? You'll still be there, and I'll still talk to you. Feel free to sing with me anytime.

I love you so much! You are my best friend, and you'll probably hope they have earplugs in heaven so that you can turn off my non-stop talking... Like the Flying Dutchman, when he takes Spongebob to Davey Jones locker....

"Big gulps huh? Well, c'ya later"

Another Great Walgreens trip....

Here is what I got at Walgreen's today:

10 - Off! Clip On Starter Kits (8.99) = 89.90
3 - Schick Quattro Disposable Razors (5.99) = 17.97
2 - Infusium Hair Care: Shampoo & Conditioner (7.29) = 14.58
1 - Ty Beanie Baby (for Jori) = 4.99
2 - Reach Toothbrush (3.99) = 7.98
4 - Reach Total Care Floss (3.99) = 15.96
2 - Schick Intuition Razors (8.99) = 17.98
1 - Schick Quattro Trim Style = 8.99
1 - Clio Hair Trimmer = 4.99
3 - 9.2 oz Hershey Kisses (2.49) = 7.47
2 - Children's Tylenol (6.99) = 13.98
2 - Skintimate Shaving Cream (2.99) = 5.98
1 - M&M 3.4 oz box (again for Jori) = 1.49

Grand Total (before coupons) = $211.93 + Tax
(Money saved for buying sale items = $27.20 not included in above amount)

Total Paid $ 30.72 + Tax PLUS $18.00 in RR to use on my next purchase!!!

That's an 86% savings. Even Nate is getting into the couponing spirit! LOL

I ♥ Walgreens!

This is why I love Walgreens! I got all of the above for $6.03 + tax, PLUS $7.50 to use on my next purchase. This is a breakdown (without any coupons):

2 John Frieda Shampoo ($5/each) = $10
2 John Frieda Condition ($5/each) = $10
2 Colgate ProClinical ($3.99/each) = $7.98
2 Aquafresh Extreme Clean ($3.99/each) = $7.98
3 U Kotex tampons 18ct. ($3.49/each) = $10.47
2 Bayer Baby Asprin ($2.99/each) = $5.98
2 Nature's Bounty Vitamins ($5/each) = $ 10
2 BIC Hybrid Razor Systems ($4.99/each) = $9.98
7 Black Forest Gummy Bears/Worms ($0.39/each) = $2.73
18 Reusable Walgreens Shopping Bags ($1/each) = $18

Grand Total = $93.12 + Tax

I ♥♥♥ WALGREENS!!!!

Easter 2010

The Easter Bunny decided to hide the girls basket's this year because he didn't bring as many candy filled eggs. Riley was not a fan of this at all and Jori, she just wasn't happy to even be awake.

Jori was not thrilled that Riley woke her up so early in the morning.

Happy she found her basket.

Jori didn't really care about her basket. She just wanted to play with the car.

"BUGS!!! SWEET!!!"

Always being silly...

And that made Jori smile...

Coloring Easter Eggs

Riley coloring eggs.

Jori got so excited when Riley would pull an egg out of the dish.

I think Jori was worried Riley would drop it.

More excitement...

Kickin' back now that the eggs are all done.

One last smile (or not) for Mom!

Spring Break 2010

We went to Utah the last week of March, for Riley's spring break. While we were there, my family had an Easter Egg Hunt. I was so happy that we were able to have it while we were there. The weather was beautiful and Duane and Anne's yard was perfect. I think the kids had a lot of fun. Jori wasn't sure what she was supposed to do, I think she'll understand more next year. Here are some pics:

The Motley Crew

Look Mom! I found some...

You can see all the candy spread across the ground.

Jordan was showing me his stash.

Steven (too cool to smile)

Lance and Lorie's friend's two boys.

Jori wanted to go inside.

The one and only candy she picked up!

Coupons, Coupons, Coupons!!!

So while I was in Utah, I spent some time with my neighbor from Kaysville and she showed me all the stuff that she got either free or dirt cheap using coupons... Well, I think I'm going to become an addict...

Here is my first coupon experiences: I spent $6.57 at Walmart.


The Lysol Neutra Air and theAirWick Freshmatic alone are regularly priced between $10-$15 each. They were marked down to $5.68 then I had a coupon for $4 off ($1.68 each) WOOT The deodorant I picked up for $0.22/ea, the Halls were free, the Snuggle only $0.97 (HUGE), and the Kiss nail stickers for $0.97.

Here is what I got at Walgreens: I spent $9.21 but received $8.00 in Register Rewards that I can use on my next purchase... So all in all, I got all of this for $1.21!!!!


I am SO excited... I get to save money on stuff we need (and maybe not need, but will use because it was so cheap) and take care of my need to shop! I love it!

Simply Fabulous

I went to the doctor this morning to have my thyroid levels checked. I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism back in 2000, however while I was pregnant with Jori my TSH levels were normal. So after I had her, I could tell that my levels were getting all out of whack. Normal levels should be between .5 and 4.5/5, mine was at over 130. Getting back in the habit of taking my meds every day has been a chore. Thanks to my fantastic sister, Lorie, I have been on track for a couple weeks. So we'll see how the blood tests come back. I also needed to get a refill for my anti-crazy meds. (We all know I can't live without those.)

Riley came with me to the doctor and while we were waiting she started whining about how hungry she was. So we decided to stop at McDonald's and pick something up. We ended up getting double of almost everything we ordered. There was so much food!

After lunch Riley, Jori, and I went outside to play with the neighbors. They have a 5 year old, Evan, and a baby girl, Rylee, who is a month younger than Jori. We played outside for 4 hours: Sidewalk Chalk, Bubbles, Beach Balls, Bug Catching, Bike Riding... Jori had her first personal meeting with the sidewalk. She bent down to pick up the beach ball, ended up rolling over the top of it, and sliding her face along the sidewalk. Her nose got the worst of it and a little on her cheek. Not too bad, she'll have a little scab on her nose. Other than that, it was a perfect way to spend the day. The weather was beautiful, in the mid 50's. I even got sunburned.

I ended up getting a headache from all the time in the sun and blowing bubbles for like 20 minutes... So I was able to lay down. I ended up sleeping for about 3 hours. It was nice and apparently very much needed.

Tomorrow is going to be a somewhat busy day. Riley and I are going to head up to Denver to go to Coors Field, the Denver Mint, and hopefully Invesco Field. We are doing a project for my cousin's daughter. We received her Flat Stanley in the mail and need to take him to see some sights around Denver. Riley did this same project last year. We mailed her Flat Riley (Flat Stanley with Riley's face on it) to my parents. They had a great time with it. Unfortunately, when my mom mailed it back, it got ruined/lost in the mail. My mom was heart broken. She was able to get most of the items again and reprint the pictures. My mom still felt really bad but Riley was thrilled about all of it.

Later tomorrow night we are going to South Elementary's Casino Night. Live and silent auctions, Texas Hold 'Em, Blackjack, Craps... 20 bottles of red wine, 20 bottles of white and a keg of Fat Tire. (Never would this happen in Utah) We went last year and it was a lot of fun. The girls are going to our friend Jana's house and I plan on drinking... but only a little.

Favorite saying for the day: "WOW! Eye, butt coordination" Riley was watching some girls dancing and shaking their booties on TV and that was her comment.

It's Official, I'm Old!

It was the big 30 for me today... Guess it's time to go plot shopping!

When it's your birthday, you get to play that card to get anything you want, right? Well this morning Riley did not want to go to school. She tried to guilt me, "But I just want to spend time with you on your birthday!" So I played the: "Do it for me, because it's my birthday" card. She finally got up and brought me down a birthday present. It was one of her torn and tattered Shark books. It was cute and so thoughtful.

Later in the afternoon it was time for Jori to have lunch. So I put her up on the island in the kitchen and warmed her up some Chef Boyardee Lasagna. I dumped it into her dish and as I was picking her up off the island she kicked the bowl of lasagna. The bowl broke and pasta sauce and noodles went everywhere. Not only did I now have to find something else for Jori's lunch, I had to clean up the mess, sweep and mop the floor. Not exactly what I wanted to do during nap time.

My mom called today and we talked for over one and a half hours. It was GREAT! My mom and I could talk on the phone for hours about nothing. I love it. After our conversation I got ready for my dinner date with Nate.

Before leaving for dinner, some of my neighbors brought over a beautiful bouquet of flowers: Lily's, Daisies, and Carnations! It was a big surprise for me! I have amazing neighbors. We took the girls over to a friends house so we could go out alone. (Doesn't happen that often these days)

We went and ate at Rock Bottom Brewery. It was delicious. I think we get the same thing everytime we go there. We got the Edamame appetizer (which I think I ate all but a few), Nate ordered the Lemon Chicken, and I got the Smoked Chicken Enchiladas. It was Keg Tapping night. That is when they tap the new seasonal beer they have and it's free from 6-6:30 pm. It was called Fire Cheif Ale, not too bad, a little too hoppy for me.

It was a great day! I am very thankful for my friends and family. Thank you for all the birthday wishes! My neighbor told me that it only gets better from here.... So maybe I won't go plot shopping yet. I hope I have many more birthdays to celebrate and be with the ones I love.

Where'd This Come From?!?!?!?!

Nate and I throw dirty clothes and towels that we use on the main level onto the landing of the stairs leading to the basement. The laundry room is down there and so it makes it easy to pick them all up and take them down at once.

Well, this afternoon I decided to throw in a load of laundry. I started sorting the clothes that were on the landing. As I moved some clothes into the "dark's" pile, I came across what appeared to be a piece of poop. Not knowing how in the hell poop got in the dirty clothes, my mind began to race. Did Riley have an accident and not tell me, just throw her underwear and all down here? No, not even a pair of panties.... Could a dog or cat somehow have found their way into the house while I was in the garage cleaning out my car? I accidentally left the door open a little... Could it be chocolate? I grabbed one of the dirty kitchen towels and picked up the poop. Took a little whiff... It WASN'T chocolate. My mind began to race again. Why would Jori's poop be down here? How would it have gotten out of her diaper?

Then it dawned on me... When I changed Jori as I was getting her dressed, there was a little poop on her bum. I hadn't noticed she was poopy before changing her, so I checked her diaper and there was just a little skid mark. Not thinking any more about it, I put her diaper on and got her dressed. Well... the poop must have rolled out of her diaper when I took it off and into her pajamas. Then when I tossed them onto the landing it must have rolled out to surprise me.

Jori Berra...

Well, Girl Scout Cookie sales are finally over. It wasn't that bad for me because Riley really didn't want much to do with the booth sales, or going door to door. She still sold 375 boxes, which is awesome. Our little troop of 4 girls did great! I don't have final #'s yet, but I'm sure they raised enough for all of them to attend summer camp.

So I feel a little guilty that I really have only posted something about Riley once before this... I'm sure when she is out of school and home more, there will be more to share.

As for Jori, she is getting so big. Wanting to sit on the dining chair instead of her high chair, taking a shower with Sissy, and eating ice cream cones all by herself.


This was just too cute not to share. When I came in from outside today, Jori had fallen asleep in her chair. Now I know a lot of kids do this all the time and fall asleep in the weirdest places. But Riley NEVER did. So I am still amazed every time Jori falls asleep on her own.

New Shoes = Lots of Walking

Jori got some new Skechers and all she wants to do is walk, walk, walk...

She hasn't worn shoes very much... Not really at all to be honest. First she was all over the house. Back and forth from the living room to the kitchen. She really liked the sound they made on the tile. She would lay down and kick her toes on the floor. She's pretty clumsy too.

It was a beautiful day, so Riley took Jori out for a walk when she got home from school.
The two of them are so cute together. (Most of the time)They brought some rock friends home too.

Playing in the Tub

Riley, Kharis (Riley's BFF), and Jori thought it would be fun to play in the tub. Silly girls.

Slurping noodles

Jori and I were cracking up today as she ate her lunch (ramen noodles). She learned to slurp the juice off the spoon... One time she accidentally slurped a noodle too. The "OH *BEEP*" look on her face was priceless.




Always my favorite time of day, because after lunch time, it's bed time! However today after climbing the stairs she went to my room and wanted to get on the bed... Being the naive parent that I am, "Ok, why do you want to get on my bed?" She laid down and refused to let me touch her. I couldn't leave her on the bed, if she did fall asleep, it would be a long drop if she were to fall off and I didn't really think she would go to sleep. Then she decided she wanted to sleep on the floor where Riley does when she has a nightmare. After a few minutes there, she decided that wouldn't work either. I took her to her room and tried to rock her... She climbed over my arm and into Riley's bed. "Oh how cute," I thought covering her with a blanket. After about 30 seconds I could tell this was NOT going to be where she spent the remainder of nap time. I picked her up and put her in her crib. As I was leaving, her bottom lip popped out and she took a deep breath in and let out a super sad cry, like I had just ran over the family pet or something. I stood by the door, trying to hear if she was going to give up. I only stood there for about a minute, went in, picked her and her stuffed panda up, she curled into my shoulder and in less than 5 minutes I was able to lay her down. Still awake mind you, I like her to go to sleep on her own. I just had to show her I was in charge. (If she only knew the truth, right?)

And apparently I am not smart enough to figure out how to get the pics on the left without text between them?

Slacking on the blogging...

Nate and I created this blog oh about 16 months ago when Jori was born... Ya know, to share with family and friends our newest little achievement. I had great intentions on keeping it updated and sharing pictures and stories. Well, that was a big *FAIL*

So here we go, round two at this blogging endeavor....

Today Jori brought me the hair detangler and a comb and proceeded to sit in my lap. So I got a little elastic and put the 10 little hairs on the top of her head in a ponytail.