If only I could, if only I dared, if only I knew what would happen...

I would take you all with me, all that wanted to come. I would make it all better. I would tell you I loved you and tell you I need you. I would try harder to make you happy. I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to be sad. I don't want to cry or explain to anyone why. I don't want to dry their tears while holding back my own. I just want to see you, hold you, hear you say my name. I want to see you smile like you did before the pain, when I knew we were forever and that nothing was going to change. I want to hear you sing and hold our baby girls. I can't believe you're gone. Life will never be the same and I don't know how to accept it. I am sick of being judged and blamed for things I didn't do. I know I couldn't change you, I just wish they knew that too. I know you were hurting and I know that you were sick... I know that you are happy, although it's hard to understand how you can be happy without us.... I know you're not in pain and that makes me feel some relief... I feel like my answers are sometimes full of lies. I knew I had to be here away from where you were. I knew I was going to lose you. I prepared myself for weeks. I knew if I'd have found you I would be there with you now. I hope you understand! I live everyday with the thought that maybe I could've changed things, maybe I did it wrong, maybe I wasn't good enough.... I hope that one day I can truly say I'm happy and that I won't be afraid to be alone for fear that I might not make it to tomorrow. At times I am so angry and that makes me feel even worse. I miss our talks about killer sloths, cleaning as we listened to music, how you could always fix the computer, and could always get the latest movies (you knew how much I hated going to the theater.) I miss how comfortable I was around you and how I knew all your moods. I am lost without you, feel like I am trying to start a new life, build structure for the girls, but the pieces are only fitting with cracks inbetween them and edges broken off. We never will forget you. I hope one day I will see you again and we will never be apart. Forever and Ever and Always!