If only I could, if only I dared, if only I knew what would happen...

I would take you all with me, all that wanted to come. I would make it all better. I would tell you I loved you and tell you I need you. I would try harder to make you happy. I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to be sad. I don't want to cry or explain to anyone why. I don't want to dry their tears while holding back my own. I just want to see you, hold you, hear you say my name. I want to see you smile like you did before the pain, when I knew we were forever and that nothing was going to change. I want to hear you sing and hold our baby girls. I can't believe you're gone. Life will never be the same and I don't know how to accept it. I am sick of being judged and blamed for things I didn't do. I know I couldn't change you, I just wish they knew that too. I know you were hurting and I know that you were sick... I know that you are happy, although it's hard to understand how you can be happy without us.... I know you're not in pain and that makes me feel some relief... I feel like my answers are sometimes full of lies. I knew I had to be here away from where you were. I knew I was going to lose you. I prepared myself for weeks. I knew if I'd have found you I would be there with you now. I hope you understand! I live everyday with the thought that maybe I could've changed things, maybe I did it wrong, maybe I wasn't good enough.... I hope that one day I can truly say I'm happy and that I won't be afraid to be alone for fear that I might not make it to tomorrow. At times I am so angry and that makes me feel even worse. I miss our talks about killer sloths, cleaning as we listened to music, how you could always fix the computer, and could always get the latest movies (you knew how much I hated going to the theater.) I miss how comfortable I was around you and how I knew all your moods. I am lost without you, feel like I am trying to start a new life, build structure for the girls, but the pieces are only fitting with cracks inbetween them and edges broken off. We never will forget you. I hope one day I will see you again and we will never be apart. Forever and Ever and Always!

My Bestest Friend

When I was younger, junior high age, I was always worried that my brother Brian was going to die in some stupid gang related bull shit... I would cry myself to sleep, worrying about him. One of his friends shot his girlfriend in the head, killing her, and then immediately came to my parents house. Brian wasn't home yet, but I was outside smoking. No idea he had just shot his girlfriend... He asked me for a smoke and then asked to use the phone. Lorie and I were the only ones home. He paced back and forth the living room. I knew he had to be on drugs or something... Later that night when I found out, I was sick, scared, and even more worried about losing Brian. However, when Brian became a father, everything in his life changed. He became one of the most unselfish people I have ever known. I no longer feared that he would die in some tragic accident.

We became amazingly close. He would call me when he needed to know how long to cook chicken, or what cumin was, or what I thought the best TV (or whatever it was) was to buy. Most of those calls I handed over to Nate... We spent so many nights at my house in Kaysville, just hanging out, Riley, Jaxson, and Steven running around. The parties we would have, sitting out on our deck all hours of the night, him yelling profanities that I'm sure my neighbors enjoyed... (HAHAHA) At times, we were together every single day. I told him and Lorie they were going to have to start paying to eat at my house because they were there almost every night. I will never forget the stupid shit we would do, or at least attempt, like go to Best Buy on Black Friday. We saw the line that wrapped around the building and said "Fuck it, let's go home" Or the time I thought somebody was making bird sounds outside so I yelled "Kaa, Kaa" and he was like "What the hell was that" and I said "Don't you hear those kids? They're fuckin' with us" He laughed so damn hard... "Good times, Good times"

I would talk to Brian about things I don't know that he shared with other people. At least I like to think that. Makes me feel special in a way. Nate used to tease me and say it was like I was talking to my boyfriend... We'd joke and giggle and stay on the phone almost making up things to talk to each other about. He was such a rock, but he had a very deep sensitive side. I would tell him that if something ever happened to Nate and I, that he would be the one that would have to raise my kids... He could be tough on his boys, but they both knew they were LOVED!

Brian was my rock, my protector. I never worried about anyone messing with me. I knew he'd always be on my side. Be there to talk to me when I was mad, scared, happy, whatever. He once came to my Jr. High with some of his friends because this kid had spit in my face... Needless to say, the kid didn't dare to come out of the school. It was so funny. Or the time he chased some guy out of my parents house and down the street when he found out that he had hurt me. He would have killed him if he would've caught him.

The hurt I feel is unbearable at times... The actual physical pain I have is untouchable. He had so many friends, so many GOOD friends. People thought he was the most amazing father they had ever known. And it's true, he was simply amazing. He never held a grudge, he had a way to let it roll off of him. He accepted people for who they were.

Life will never be the same... Who's going to karaoke with me? Stay up sitting around the campfire at the family reunion? You'll still be there, and I'll still talk to you. Feel free to sing with me anytime.

I love you so much! You are my best friend, and you'll probably hope they have earplugs in heaven so that you can turn off my non-stop talking... Like the Flying Dutchman, when he takes Spongebob to Davey Jones locker....

"Big gulps huh? Well, c'ya later"